My Daughter Made Me Do It

It's April 3rd, my "mamaversary."
Typically on this day, I dust off my daughter's birth story; I always get choked up mid-way, right around

Then I heard her...UBER cool nurse... "What do you MEAN they almost DIED ?!?! She was FINE when I left!"

Yup, I just read it again and lost my breath for a second.

Today that baby girl is 15. Her 14th trip around the sun had quite an impact on me as a mom; she went from a baby who would not be kept from entering this world to a beautiful young lady right before my eyes. This is expected, everyone's kids grow up and change from being that little one you remember to resembling the adult they will become. But this beauty was intentional.

In January 2012 my hub, bry and I attended a new year's intention setting gathering. One of the activities was to write several intentions for the year on a 3 x 5 card and place it in a self-addressed, stamped envelope. In December we each received our cards. I was excited to see that my entire list came to fruition, or was in the process. Bryana shared her card with me; I remember there being a list of 5 things but #2 is the only one I remember verbatim, "To see myself as beautiful." I teared up as I read it and told her," I bet I can tell you the exact DAY this started to happen for you, Papi probably can too. You've always been pretty and had a beautiful spirit but one morning you woke up and just 'got gorgeous.' I'll bet that was the day you believed in your beauty."

After several hundred great conversations about this transition, I'm convinced the opportunity to be her mom is an important pillar in my journey to self.

I've done certain things for my daughter because I am a mom, my momness made me do it.
But now, as my daughter is becoming her own person I see that she is encouraging my Babsness, and because of her I'm doing and believing things I've been trying to for years.

Funny, this very quality in her makes me quite proud of my momness.

My daughter made me love my butt.

A few months ago she sent me this picture in a text and simply said, "This is how I want you to feel about your butt." Say what you will about the validity of the ad, the point is she watched me struggle through an eating disorder and heard me change the words I use about my body...with the exception of my back side... and with a quick glance to my phone, encouraged me to see myself in a new way.

heh, that's little Bry in front of me 2003

My daughter made me audition.

When Bry was little, I directed a K-12 summer musical theatre program for several years, I sang regularly as the leader of our church worship team and, as she puts it, "walked in off the street and nabbed the lead role in a community production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat." That was all years ago, our new family, a career and pursuing a college degree put all of that on the back-back burner.

So, when the audition notice for a local production of Jesus Christ Superstar showed up on the announcement board at her dance studio, she pointed it out to me and wouldn't take "No" for an answer.
We opened on Good Friday and the cast is AMAZING :)

My daughter makes me a good mom.

While she was away for Spring Break this year, we redecorated her room. She spent months collecting ideas and designing it and when she was ready, invited me to friend her on Wanelo so I had access to the album with all the inspiration pictures. Scrolling through the pictures brought me back to when I was her age; she likes the same clothes, the same colors, even wants the same Doc Marten floral boots that I wanted back in the day.

The text exchange that followed is indelibly etched on my heart.

me: its scary how much you are like me when I was ur age

Bryana: Yay! I wanna be like u when I grow up

I asked her about it later, wanting to be like me, and she said "of course I do, I want my kids to like me when they're teenagers." Yeah, that was a heart melter of the NTH degree. I must've done something good.

She makes me do other things too... like buy a dress that looks amazing for no other reason than it looks amazing and sing harmonies to obscure folk songs, she makes me giggle, she makes me think, she makes me cry (good tears) and most of all, she makes me proud.

I remember quite clearly the sense of awe-inspired-fear I had when I held her as a newborn. She made eye contact immediately, as one friend put it, as though she were admiring your soul. I remember praying for the ability to be the mother this strong being needs, sensing she was put on this earth to do big things. I told her that on her birthday a few years ago. I shared her birth story and reminded her that not even a little thing like dying stoped her birth.

Know what she said?

"It didn't stop you either, momma. We're both still here and we both have big things to do."

Indeed we do Punkin, indeed we do.

xoxo

40 trips around the sun, the evolution

This year I turned my New Year's Resolutions on their proverbial ears and vowed my goal for this year be an understanding and practice of Sankalpa. A Sanskrit word, sankalpa means "will, purpose, or determination." To make a sankalpa is to set an intention. A sankalpa also praises the nobility of the effort rather than focusing on what you are doing wrong.
This year marks my 40th trip around our glorious Sun. I've been working on the same resolutions for at least 30 of those 40 years so it only made sense to give my Resolutions a resolution of their own...and oddly enough, none of them started in January... anywhere other than in my mind

So far, my intentions that have met action and developed a relationship include:

• Intentional, personal yoga practice - Ashtanga
• Healing my body with real food rather than supplements - Mila

So now I work on the next level I feel called to... Hrmm...that's another interesting thing about sankalpa, my changes evolve rather than being dictated by some thought that makes me feel less than or in need of change.

• Consume a 90% plant based diet

This, unlike other attempts at change to my diet, will be one I allow to unfold. If everyone cut their animal product consumption by 10%, we could make a huge dent in not only the battle with dis-ease, but in worldwide hunger.
Why 90% and not 100%? Well, because I like some animal based foods sometimes, they taste good but are not always the most nutrient dense choices and definitely don't have to be the main component of my diet.

My plant based consumption will also be Gluten free based on my intolerance.
I'll be posting weekly updates/menus on my GF blog. If I'm feeling extra plucky...you may even get a shopping list :)

Yoga is like Sex

In my late 20's I worked as an educational interpreter in a public High School. I provided Sign Language services for 2 students during their freshman year.
Algebra, Creative Writing, World History, Intro to Computers, P.E., Reading and Biology.
I have many vivid memories of that year. It was the year of the Columbine shooting so people, emotions and events are etched into my brain. I'll never forget the role of mitochondrion thanks to 4th period Biology lessons on the parts of a cell and this catchy little earrworm.

Intro to Computers was my favorite class, not because of the subject matter but because of the teacher and the way he presented the material. His stature and presence reminded me of a late 1960's Burl Ives and he taught these kids, and me, far more than how to type.

The first 3 weeks for these kids was excruciating! Imagine sitting each day at a desk in front of a monitor and keyboard and NOT being able to touch it. First they learned about the machine, then they learned about the processes they would be mastering during the year. They spent time on theory and did some quizzes (with pencil and paper). There wasn't a whole lot to interpret during these first few weeks, mostly busy work for the kids so the teacher and I got to know each other. He and his wife were in the process of purchasing a new SUV, a shiny new Lincoln Navigator with all the bells and whistles. Everything I know about buying a car I learned from this man and I've been told...I'm quite a shrewd car shopper. This guy knows his stuff....he knew what he was doing making his kids wait to use those computers too!

The day finally came.
Oh the joy and exclamations that rose from the class when they got to push the power button!
"See how excited you are?  Sometimes it's good to wait...remember that" he said with a wink.
"Everything worth having or doing is worth waiting for, everything."

A few chuckles, embarassed eyes and whispers later and they were all focused on the task at hand utterly ecstatic to be typing  a s d f j k l ;

My week on the mat has been like the keys on a Qwerty keyboard. Each day I've been working to move past Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana and each day I've gotten a bit further.
Yesterday I was able to bind both sides with assistance from my teacher, this morning I reached the fullest expression of the pose on my right side without help but my left side toes are just past the reach of my left hand.
In Ashtanga, when you are learning the series in the Mysore method, you work on a posture by repeating it 4 or 5 times.

This is ONE vinyasa

Stop and take that in for a second... after Surya Namaskar A and B, the basic sequence, the primary series standing postures and moving into the seated postures (all with a vinyasa sprinkled in between to keep you warm) you work on the current pose 4 or 5 times. Let me expand on that notion...once you get to the seated postures you do a vinyasa between each side of each pose. That's a whollotta chaturanga!

So back to this morning's practice. Since I cannot yet bind on both sides and take the fullest expression of the.pose.affectionately.called.stuck ...I did it 5 times.
The right side came relatively easily and put a grin in the corners of my eyes. Three times and 6 vinyasas later...and I touched my left big toe with my left finger for the very first time! I SWEAR I heard the opening riff to a Madonna tune! I wriggled and reached and even poked my bottom lip out...I can't grasp yet...but I TOUCHED it and that touch.was.awesome! It was so worth the wait...my smile spread from the corners of my eyes to every inch of my face. My teacher says I'm close, I may even have it tomorrow...but I'm not thinking about tomorrow when there is so much to revel in today.

So the lesson
Don't rush
if it's worth doing
it's worth the wait
and it's sooo much better when you finally get there
asdfjkl;)

I do not like to be stuck

With Bandha, Drishti and Ujjayi your body becomes a temple when breathing and asana, tension and concentration come together into one unit. So with Ujjayi, Bandha and Drishti you create the foundation of your practice, and the spiritual dimension of Ashtanga Yoga develops. (source)


The spiritual dimension of Ashtanga has taught me that...
I don't like to feel stuck
:(

movement: V handshape to the throat

Funny, because the ASL sign for the concept "stuck" is also one of my least favorite signs...only because it means so much more than the English word "stuck" but people still say the word rather than the idea...but I digress.

We started our 3rd week of Ashtanga practice yesterday. We've been progessing swimmingly through the poses and have moved into the seated postures of the primary series. We left off with Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana on Friday of last week so we fully expected to be moving on when we returned.

Nope. Keep working on this one until you get it.
Grr, I don't want to, I want to learn the next one
I "get" this one, my hips just don't allow the fullest expression yet....
Hubs was even MORE aggravated about it.
He's looking forward to some of the quad stretches and grumbled about being stuck.

Admittedly, I did too. On my way to work I grumbled
After each grumble, I reminded myself to let my ego just step aside because this is a practice.
It worked, by the time I made it to work I was appreciative and looking forward to the extra time it will take to truly experience the benefits of this pose. I mean, I've been practicing downward facing dog for 11 years and the nuances I've found in the past 3 weeks have made a huge difference in my practice.

photo credit



Monday was a grumbly day for my mini me too.

And I, as a mom, was stuck.
My hands were tied.
There was nothing I could do.
I was caught between a scylla and charybdis.
Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana
(HA, next time I see that sign I'm gonna voice THAT!)


This morning we worked through our practice and stopped at the last pose we learned, the one I affectionately call stuck. It was a great practice, I felt strong, worked up a good sweat and waited for today's teacher to tell us what to do next.
"On Tuesdays, we take it easy. Once you've moved through the standing poses and get to the seated postures of the primary series, we don't teach anything new on Tuesdays. Krista (my fave yoga teacher of all time and the owner of the shala) doesn't teach new postures on Tuesdays, neither does her teacher...so this is an opportunity for you to work where you are..."

So we did, I went back through my seated postures because I had forgotten one the first time.
I did my back bends and closing postures...and had an AHmazing Savasana.
Hubs even said so...we joked about being grumbly yesterday and today being just fine.
We did not move further into the series...but we did progress!

It really wasn't any different than yesterday
but it was
I'm still in the same place
but I'm not stuck

My mini me got up this morning, dressed herself up in a snazzy outfit and faced the day...with whatever it may bring. She knows it's okay to be sad...but I don't think she'll let herself be stuck.

Fundamentals First

Today is day 3 of Ashtanga for the hub and I.

We've learned our poses through the fundamental asanas (standing series).

http://www.yogasandals.com/

Whoo whee...I could feel my feet towards the end of our session! Definitely time to invest in a new pair of my favorite sandals.

So my memorization trick for the day to get me through what I know so far

A

B

2

2

2

floor

hips

shoulders

toes

BANGLES

That could be a nursery rhyme for baby yogis :)

Suryanamaskar A
Suryanamaskar B
2 forward folds
2 triangles
2 side angles
Wide Stanced Forward Bend:
hands to the floor, hands on hips, hands clasped shoulder stretch, big toe peace fingers :)
Pyramid (which make me think of 'walk like an egyptian')

I may have to put this into a saturday morning yoga flow soon :)

When I Practice, I am Strong

Practice, Practice, Practice
All is coming ~K. Pattabhi Jois

Day 2 of our Ashtanga journey

Today we moved into the first few standing postures of the series after going through Surya Namasakar A and B 5 times each on our own. Just flowing through the salutations that many times, conscious of my drishti and my breath, was work. Half way through I realized while I have come to the understanding of engaging mula bandha...I'm not always sure about when to disengage. :/

I did find some new found freedom in my downward facing dog simply by remembering my drishti. My head knew I should be looking at my navel but I don't always remember that!

We worked through triangle, revolved triangle, side angle and revolved side angle... we worked through them a lot.
I felt invigorated, I felt strong, I felt focused...

That focused feeling lasted ALL day.
I worked a 9 hour shift at work and managed to do so with energy and a positive attitude all day long. I don't care who you are...9 hours is a LONG day stuck in a cubicle...today was a good day :)

My finishing sequence this morning included wheel ...the braid worked :) Utplutih
I've always had trouble with Utplutih,  but I'll get there with practice, practice practice.

AHHHH Ashtanga

Typically February has me taking a peek to see what new challenge Christine has for us. In addition to that, this month the hub and I have signed up for a month-long beginner's course in Ashtanga yoga at the Yoga Shala. I have practiced Ashtanga before and have the great fortune of having studied under some amazing teachers so when I noticed one of my favorite mentors and teachers actually owns the studio, we were there!

Today, day 1
6:30am at the Shala
Yoga Shala teaches traditional Ashtanga in the Mysore method and it was absoluely awesome walking into the studio where other yogis were moving through their individual practice flowing with inhale and exhale. Mysore encourages each person to go at his or her own pace, you learn the poses one at a time, as your teacher deems you ready. You progress at your own pace and develop a personal practice.
So Awesome.

We were up at 5:10am (admittedly, I was up before the alarm...excited to go!)
This morning's lesson took us through Surya Namaskar A and B series, bridge, wheel...my pony-tail got in the way :(

Tomorrow we add some call and return, standing poses ...and I wear my hair in a braid!
:)

Let it Flow, Let yourself Go...what the heck is a yoga flow and why am I crying?

2011 brought me back to my yoga mat (yay!) as a practitioner and instructor. I teach in the beautifully quaint downtown center of Winter Garden at Ananda Yoga and Massage. Downtown Winter Garden offers a cluster of family owned business in a nostalgic setting and Ananda fits in perfectly; the vibe in the studio is very welcoming.

2012 launched a bunch of new and exciting things for the Studio and I'm so excited to see the hustle and bustle that will be happening there. We have great teachers throughout the week, several massage therapists and exciting specialty classes like guided meditation, candlelight yoga and even Crystal Singing Bowl meditations!

I started out teaching a yoga basics class on Saturday mornings. It's a class where we focus on technique, form, alignment and phases of different asanas or groups of asanas (think twists or backbends) and it's good for any one from a baby to a seasoned yogi. I love teaching this class because it brings ME back to basics. Sometimes it's just easy to fly right through a sun salutation without even thinking about it...but then later wonder why my neck is out of whack :\

This month I added a Funk and Flow class ...yes I said FUNK :)
It's set to great music, including rock, reggae, hip hop, blues and world beats, and is geared to the student who likes to sweat and be challenged both physically and mentally. A strong emphasis on linking breath to movement creates a steady and consistent flow from pose to pose, encouraging a meditation in motion.

It's amazing how physically and emotionally cleansing a flow class can be. Not only can you be motivated by the music, which usually follows a theme (even if that theme is just to DANCE), the process of the flow actually acts as a physical and emotional scrub brush so it's not unheard of to find yourself in tears as you find your inner warrior or while you rest in savasana.

Why is this?

For starters, we'll discuss the class format.
As I mentioned, the class is set to an eclectic mix of music ...last week included the Beastie Boys, Eurythmics, Sting, Jack Johnson, Steve Ross and Camille ... you're welcome to sing along, tap your toe or just flat out dance, after all ...it's your mat, it's your space.

We start out with a warm up that leads into an invigorating round of Sun Salutations to warm the body. Then we BOUNCE...yes Bounce (more on that later)
Once we're good and warm we move into the work phase. This includes more challenging standing poses incorporated in a vinyasa flow...think "Inhale-move, Exhale-move" and definitely SWEAT.
We take it to the floor for some core work and move into seated poses that are held longer for a deeper stretch to the muscles now that they are good and warm. Class will always end in an inversion and a deeply relaxing savasana to seal in the benefits of the class.

There's no doubt this is a physically challenging class and you should have at least 6 months of prior yoga experience or a teacher recommendation before attending. But what about that emotional scrubber part I mentioned?

Well, this has to do with the lymphatic system and the way we "work it" in this class.
Stop and think of every emotion you had in the past 24 hours
Did you yell?
Did you laugh?
Cry?
Stub your toe?
Did your heart gush with love?
Were you frustrated?
Were you relaxed?
Each and every one of those feelings...and ones you don't even realize, release hormones into your system. Once you're done "using" those hormones in the moment, they "sit" in your lymphatic system. This system is the only one in the body without it's own pumping system (Respiratory - lungs, Circulatory - heart, etc.) So what happens to all these used up emotes? They sit in your body...sometimes they cause pain...either way they are "toxic" and need your help to let them out.
THIS is why we bounce...we get warm, we bounce (creating an internal pump to release toxins from the lymphatic system), then we work...to sweat out all those toxins. Sometimes, sweat just isn't enough and our eyes leak too. Sometimes you feel that original emotion all over again...this is why we slow down, allow our selves to go deeper into our stretches, cool down the body with inversions and seal in the benefits of our practice through savasana.

Call it Invigorxhausting
Refreshiboosting
Awesome :)
(but I'm biased)

There's lots of other great stuff happening at the studio this year!
We continue to offer Crystal Singing Bowl meditations once a month and monthly guided meditations are back too! New this year is a monthly Candlelight Yoga class and exciting new Sunday workshops are on the  planning boards too!
Stop by and visit. Ananda has a wonderful and caring yoga and massage staff with several teachers and massage therapists; you're sure to find a place to fit right in/

Lessons from the mat

The best thing I did for myself in 2011 was get back on my mat.

faith like a child

Yoga is my favorite form of everything: physical movement, emotional release, mental training, personal satisfaction, personal growth, sharing and receiving. Yoga completes me.

I have increased my personal practice and, by the grace and flow of all that is right in the Universe, I am teaching again...taking my sense of honoring my being and purpose to a whole new level.

Today's lesson from the mat came during the practice of my life, rather than the practice of asana.
I decided to put a bit of "poetry" on my mat. My hub got a new mat for Christmas so we had one to spare where I could try the medium (permanent marker) and my technique (my own handwriting).
I measured, I spaced out my words, I picked the right colors, measured again, counted letters per line, taped, and measured again just to be sure...and then I put pen to mat.

This is the year. My year. 

I will dream big, grow ideas and take leaps of faith. I will do yoga everyday.

I will rest when I'm tired. I will run, jump and play when I need to be re-energized. 

I will continue to open my heart, lead from that place and allow it to be my guiding force. 

I will get grounded when I feel uprooted and expansive when I feel stuck. 

I will nurture myself with nature in a way that supports my health and energy. 

I will embrace the dark times with love and gentle grace, enjoy and rejoice the bright times with love and laughter, and do my best to be grateful for both. I will say yes more and soften my face. 

I will let others in without losing myself. I will drink deeply from the well and offer back freely and fully. 

I will forgive those who've hurt me and I will forgive myself. I will speak my truth out loud and often. 

I will look for the good in others and in myself. I will dance. I will sparkle. I will cry freely. 

I will revel. I will fly. I will sit quietly. I will live out loud. I will laugh. I will teach and I will learn. 

I will allow myself to be as I am.

It only took a few lines in for me to have a write-o (I wasn't typing...couldn't be a typo)
It gnawed at me
I brooded
I furrowed my brow
I sighed...and not a relaxing let everything that no longer serves you go kind of sigh...
Then I kept going
and had another
The first one obviously still eating at an edge of a thought somewhere...
And then came the lesson, my practice is about accepting where I am and understanding that while I'll never be perfect, in the same breath I already am perfect.
Perhaps it wasn't a write-o but a riiight...ohhhh!

Now, I still haven't competed the entire mat
In my self-ed-ness, I am still wrestling with whether or not the error, which would line up with my drishti in downward facing dog, will be a humble reminder of my not perfect/perfect revelation in a positive way, or in a negative way...
So for now, I haven't thrown it away...as I threatened to do through furrowed brow
But I know today, I cannot work on it any more.
It's a process
Like me
Like my practice

Good lesson, mat!
"

I Heard An Owl

Worth a Repeat

It was lil b's birthday yesterday...she's 13 now (geesh) so of course as we enter this next phase in her life...the birth of who she will become on her own two feet...I thought about the first day I saw her little feet...

GIANT RESET BUTTON (repost)

Bm's birth-day came to mind today
She IS going to be 12 soon and yet I still hold the events of her birth so vividly in my mind.
They were actually quite traumatic
But when I recount them, as I did this morning in the office as we chatted around the time clock waiting for the digits to flip to :00, they didn't sound 'bad'... there was actually inspiration there.

On Bm's birth-day... Sam pushed the reset button.

My original due date was March 17th
Later on in my pregnancy my due date was bumped to March 23rd
Bm (B minor...incase you're wondering) was born April 3rd so needless to say...I was TO TERM and then some when she was born. I remember my belly being squared off and being able to clearly distinguish her body parts as she attempted what looked like an 'alienesque' birth.

Honestly, at this point in time...all the way up to her actual birth, everyone thought SHE was a HE so the gender specificity in my story is colored.

My last visit with the doctor was Thursday, April 2nd. My induction had been scheduled for 7:30 Friday morning, but she wanted one last chance to have labor begin naturally and stripped my membrane.
At the time, my partner and I were wholesaling scented candles and I had an order of 350 to get lableled, dressed, and out the door by 3:30 that afternoon. I remember the client's 'awooga' eyes at the size of my belly AND the fact that I, not my partner, was making the delivery. (Such was life in 1998)

I'm sure I ate dinner at some point in time but my next memory is the decision to take a shower after ER (funny, a lot of major happenings in the first 8 months of my daughter's life have an ER connection...Thursday must be my day...but that's another posting) and try to get some sleep before heading to the hospital. I was pretty sure labor had started, but I had a 'false alarm' at 6 months, so I was reticent to say anything because everything up until then was bearable and I remember the constant reminder from my lamaze coach that it was "better to wait at home than in the hospital." (she obviously didn't live in my house)

I laid down to 'sleep' around 11:30.
Heh heh...yeah right
At 1:00am I rolled over and said "I think we should just go to the hospital"

I checked in around 2:30am
I was 5 cm along and progressing nicely
I didn't want any meds unless it was absolutely necessary and my breathing was helping me through my contractions just fine.

• 3:30 am - smooth sailing
• 4:30 am - I'm good at this...excited for baby
• 5:30 am - our uber awesome nurse checks in and lets me know we're doing fine, asks if I need meds to which I give a hearty "No Thank You"
• 6:30 am - feeling fine and uber nurse lets us know her shift is over but she'll be back at 5:30 that evening to meet the new baby ~smile~
• 7:00 am - We meet the new nurse. Following doctors orders, she enters with a GIANT crochet needle and attempts to break my water...to no avail. "Okay, we'll try again later."
• 7:30 am - In comes the nurse, and a physician's assistant...crochet needle again, fail. "We'll be back in a few minutes to change your IV."
• 7:45 am - they induce me

Did you read that? I've probably been in labor for over 12 hours and THEY INDUCED ME...didn't say anything, just looked at my chart, saw the orders and did it...

By 8:30am I definitely knew I was in labor.
Contractions coming faster now
Nurse says I'm making good progress...another push to the IV

9:00am
holy cow
umm...remember that pain med I said I didn't want? I think I want some now
IV push...okay, that's a little better

9:30am
contractions coming hard and fast now..."just breathe it out, they come in waves...make it throught the peak and it's smooth sailing down from there"...my lamaze coach didn't mention pitocin!
IV push...better now

9:45am
When is this wave gonna end? Where is the down hill?
I need more pain meds please?
"I'm sorry you can only have them once every 1/2 hr"
OMG!!!!

It went along this way for another hour...
10:45 am
PAIN MEDS PLEASE
11:00am
IV PUSH...better

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Alarm
"ma'am you need to roll over on your side...ma'am... MA'AAM!"
"Sir, you need to get your wife to roll over on her side!"
"She's not my wife"
"Sir!"

at 11:02am my baby's heart rate stopped
I remember hearing the bells and whistles
I remember being pushed over on my side
I remember my partner saying "you have to wake her up to ask her"
and I remember someone saying "Call the NICU"

some time later, I'm not sure when
a kind face on a tall man told me I had nothing to worry about
"You'll have to start all over, but you and the baby are fine"

I didn't really know what he was talking about, I just knew I felt groggy and tired and my partner was passed out on the chair next to my bed...so I slept.

I woke up around 5:00 that night with the need to poop (hey it's my blog and I talk about poop when I want to)... "Can I use the bathroom"
"no, not right now, just go in the bed"

"eww...no thanks"

"I think I need to push"
"Oh no ma'am, don't push yet...we don't have the stirrups ready. And ma'am, please wait for us to TELL you to push. We'll have to be sure to suction the baby once the head has cleared the birth canal"

Whatever...I slid my legs back and 'adjusted' myself
I guess I pushed...oops (okay this is a hindsight observation too because I didn't mean to push, and I didn't realize I had)

Okay ma'am, you can push
And then there was a wriggling, squirming, slippery baby on my belly
I couldn't even hold her I was so doped up

5:30pm
My baby is whisked away for apgar testing and I'm getting "cleaned up" to move to my post delivery room
"gee ma'am, with as easily as you pushed that baby out I'm sure glad they didn't have to cut you"

"cut me," I thought, but I just smiled and nodded..."me too."

Then I heard her...UBER cool nurse... "What do you MEAN they almost DIED ?!?! She was FINE when I left!"

She came in the room, smiled at me, rubbed the hair off my face and told the other attending to leave, she would be taking care of me now...

There were lots of other little foibles along the way after that...
the partner who came back to the hospital fall down drunk with a football for the baby...
the scratches on my baby's head from the giant crochet needle...
the lactation specialist who told my kid "okay baby, swallow or choke" as she force fed her with a cup...
and the fact that I had to drive myself home...

But at the time, none of that mattered
I was able to stay in the hospital 3 whole days and I DID, because otherwise...I'd just pick up where I left off.

I drove myself home from the hospital...my partner didn't have a valid license at the time so he sat in the back with the baby...even AFTER they told me not to drive for a few days...I drove a BEASTOFAVAN through spring break traffic first to piccadilly...cause I knew there'd be no good food at home...then home.

I eventually ended up taking the baby and stepping out to a new life
yeah, I made that decision after watching ER one night on the opposite side of the couch as my partner...(see I told you there was a connection)

I struggled with that decision for a long time
Somewhere in the midst of everything I found my faith again
finding your faith is not a fun thing when you're an unwed mother...and I 'should've known better"...after all I was 26 years old.
I read my bible and listened to Ron Hutchcraft pretty regularly those days...he taught me the verse in Malachai that said children need to grow up in the love they were created out of...
so I tried
and I tried
and tried and tried and tried
to find a way to save myself, and keep a relationship with him
Because my child needed it...

Quite a few years later I realized that she IS growing up in the love she was created from
she's growing up with me.
Her conception was anything but romatic
Her gestation was OUR time (hers and mine)
Her birth...was our salvation moment
and her life since then...has been void of him...he's a silent partner with no controlling assets.

I don't have her pictures from the hospital
I don't have her tiny feet prints or hand prints
that all got lost in the shuffle...

at 11:02am on Friday April 3, 1998
Sam pushed the Reset Button
She was too important

WE were too important to what the Universe has in store for human kind to not be a part of it

Our lives took a very drastic turn in that very moment

We died...and came back as something new, with a purpose.

See...maybe I really CAN be fairly certain that given a cape and a nice tiara I could save the World!